Until now I haven't really discussed my father, Stas (pronounced Stosh). My dad was born into a displaced person camp at the end of World War II. His family had been in Poland before the war and then when the Russians and the Germans came from either side, they were forced to flee. The Maliszewski's were then sponsored by a church in Davenport, Iowa, and so they arrived in 1951. Growing up in Iowa in the 1950's, during the height of McCarthyism, was not an easy thing for my father or his two brothers. He excelled in school and sports, and by the time he finished high school he was recruited by Notre Dame and many other top schools for football and wrestling. He decided on Princeton due to their academics, not to mention they were a top football program at that time in the US. Stas was a two-time All-American college football player, and he then played a year in the NFL for the Baltimore Colts. After that he went to Harvard Business School and then lived out a successful career in investment management. It's safe to say that my dad is the epitome of the American dream. It would be near impossible to try to live up to his achievements, especially because I was born into a much more blessed and lucky life. There will always be a part of me that wants to live up to what Stas has done, but as I've gotten older I've become much more content in my achievements and lifestyle.
My dad met my mom, Stacy, on a blind date in college, and they were married very young. I'm sure my dad was in love with my mom in the beginning, but at some point he definitely decided that she was not the right woman for him, and so as I was growing up it became incredibly obvious that my dad didn't respect or appreciate my mother the way he should have. Around this same time is when I started losing respect for my father. It was hard to see my mom raising four children and then witness my father be unappreciative, demeaning, and condescending to her. I built up a lot of resentment towards him, and by the time I got to college we weren't talking very much. I ended up going to Princeton as well, and during that time I barely spoke to my dad. He was often on campus to check in on the football program, which he was still affiliated with, but we never visited. During my senior year of college my mother filed for divorce, and unfortunately my dad was very cruel and difficult during the entire process. At this same time I was diagnosed with B-Cell Lymphoma, a specific type of cancer that attacks your lymph nodes. Luckily the doctors were able to remove the cancer and then I underwent radiation for about a month following my surgery. Honestly I wasn't really scared when I got my original diagnosis, but during radiation, when everyone kept telling me how brave I was, is when it all sunk in. I could have died. I could be gone already. This fact has stuck in my head (and heart) every day since then, and I have tried to live a life full of passion, love, and happiness. Unfortunately my father was not very present during my cancer crisis, and at one point I had to mitigate an argument between my parents because my dad didn't want to pay some of the medical bills. Not an easy pill to swallow - your dad not wanting to help pay for your surgery because he's angry with your mom.
Since college I have not had a very close relationship with my father. He has since remarried an incredibly sweet woman, though whenever I see them together I still hear my dad's condescending, demeaning, and controlling tone during almost every encounter. He will not change and I understand this fact, but it's just not easy for me to be around him. Furthermore, there is always something or someone that my dad is fighting when I see him. Maybe it's his boss, or his neighbors, or the local eateries. Either way, he will always need to be defending and fighting - this is just my dad's nature. I've thought about it for a while and I understand where it comes from: Stas' family had to flee the cruelty of the Russians and the Germans during WWII, and then in Iowa he had to battle the local kids who didn't like immigrants. At Princeton my dad didn't fit in with the upper class kids, and from then on he perpetually found people to fight against. He's always been the underdog. He's always been fighting an evil. He's always been trying to prove himself. Unfortunately during this fight he's gone through some serious bouts of depression, and I grew up seeing much of that. I empathize with his plight - I really do. I can't imagine fighting all these enemies throughout your life and then ending up in this beautiful suburb with a beautiful family…without enemies to fight anymore. He didn't know what to do. He started pushing his kids and wife harder and harder than necessary, and it backfired. If he only could have just been happy with his success and his beautiful family, it would have been a different story for my dad. He wouldn't have bounced around to so many companies, and he wouldn't have created such a stress-filled home life.
My dad met my mom, Stacy, on a blind date in college, and they were married very young. I'm sure my dad was in love with my mom in the beginning, but at some point he definitely decided that she was not the right woman for him, and so as I was growing up it became incredibly obvious that my dad didn't respect or appreciate my mother the way he should have. Around this same time is when I started losing respect for my father. It was hard to see my mom raising four children and then witness my father be unappreciative, demeaning, and condescending to her. I built up a lot of resentment towards him, and by the time I got to college we weren't talking very much. I ended up going to Princeton as well, and during that time I barely spoke to my dad. He was often on campus to check in on the football program, which he was still affiliated with, but we never visited. During my senior year of college my mother filed for divorce, and unfortunately my dad was very cruel and difficult during the entire process. At this same time I was diagnosed with B-Cell Lymphoma, a specific type of cancer that attacks your lymph nodes. Luckily the doctors were able to remove the cancer and then I underwent radiation for about a month following my surgery. Honestly I wasn't really scared when I got my original diagnosis, but during radiation, when everyone kept telling me how brave I was, is when it all sunk in. I could have died. I could be gone already. This fact has stuck in my head (and heart) every day since then, and I have tried to live a life full of passion, love, and happiness. Unfortunately my father was not very present during my cancer crisis, and at one point I had to mitigate an argument between my parents because my dad didn't want to pay some of the medical bills. Not an easy pill to swallow - your dad not wanting to help pay for your surgery because he's angry with your mom.
Since college I have not had a very close relationship with my father. He has since remarried an incredibly sweet woman, though whenever I see them together I still hear my dad's condescending, demeaning, and controlling tone during almost every encounter. He will not change and I understand this fact, but it's just not easy for me to be around him. Furthermore, there is always something or someone that my dad is fighting when I see him. Maybe it's his boss, or his neighbors, or the local eateries. Either way, he will always need to be defending and fighting - this is just my dad's nature. I've thought about it for a while and I understand where it comes from: Stas' family had to flee the cruelty of the Russians and the Germans during WWII, and then in Iowa he had to battle the local kids who didn't like immigrants. At Princeton my dad didn't fit in with the upper class kids, and from then on he perpetually found people to fight against. He's always been the underdog. He's always been fighting an evil. He's always been trying to prove himself. Unfortunately during this fight he's gone through some serious bouts of depression, and I grew up seeing much of that. I empathize with his plight - I really do. I can't imagine fighting all these enemies throughout your life and then ending up in this beautiful suburb with a beautiful family…without enemies to fight anymore. He didn't know what to do. He started pushing his kids and wife harder and harder than necessary, and it backfired. If he only could have just been happy with his success and his beautiful family, it would have been a different story for my dad. He wouldn't have bounced around to so many companies, and he wouldn't have created such a stress-filled home life.
Even though my dad has many faults, he is still my father, and I still love him. I realize he has lived a tough life, and has overcome so much in his time. About a year and a half ago we had another blow out, where he proved again that he couldn't show appreciation for me or my life's work. I stopped talking to him for this last year, though I was very close to his home yesterday, so I called him when I was at Taty's and asked if I could come over. I drove over and said hello to my other sister, Stasha, who was at my dad's, and then went out into the fields and greeted Stas, who was working with his hired-hands on replacing some fence posts. The first thing he mentioned when I saw him is how devastating it is that his fence has been deteriorating. Hadn't seen him in over a year and hadn't talked to him in over 8 months, and the first thing I hear is complaints. Guess I shouldn't have expected much else, but it was tough to hear so quickly. We walked up to the house and his wife, Julia came in to say hello as well. The conversation with my dad was very forced and at one point I could tell he was losing interest, so I shook his hand and told him I was going to be on my way. I told him I loved him. It's very hard for me to be around a man that doesn't realize how important his family is, and unfortunately his actions always end up hurting me, so I knew I had to be short in my visit. For many years Stas has asked me to come visit, yet when I'm there he rarely shows interest in me or knowing more about my life. He's never once come to visit me in any of the places I've lived as an adult. He rarely asks what I'm doing and never shows interest in my goals and dreams. Some would argue that these are not the job requirements of a father, but I would argue the opposite. Every child longs for his or her parent's approval and appreciation, and so it's hurtful when it doesn't happen. I'm still happy I went to visit my dad. Stas used to argue and hold grudges with his own father, and so I didn't want to go down the same path as he did. I knew I wasn't going to stay long, but I had to give him a hug and tell him I love him. As much as it breaks my heart to leave my mom after I visit with her, it's just as heartbreaking when I am in the presence of my dad. Not an easy thing to admit, but if I'm being honest with myself then I want to be honest here as well.
As I left my dad he wished me safe travels, and as I drove the 7 hours down to Charlotte, NC, my heart was filled with sadness for my father. I wish he were happy and could understand where he has gone wrong, but unfortunately it's not in the cards for him this lifetime. As I mentioned before, Stas has overcome so much in his lifetime - I think maybe compassion and being a loving father was just not one of the things he was meant to do here. As I said before, I still love him and I always will.
I got into Charlotte around 1am and my cousin Scott came out to meet me. Maybe it was his dog barking that got him up, but it was still nice to see him when I arrived. I passed out in his amazingly beautiful guest house, and today I've been hanging out and catching up on writing. I'm gonna be here for a few days and then head to Asheville NC, Charleston SC, and Savannah GA next!! An exciting time here in the South.
I know this was the most personal post I've written, but please don't think I'm dwelling on my relationship with my father. It's an unfortunate scenario, but it is what it is, and I can't do much about it. I'm glad I saw him and am now fired up about the next places on my trip :)
Thanks for listening
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| View from the barn at my dad's |
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| Saw this tree on my walk through my dad's property. Thinking I'm going to paint something like this soon! |
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| The apartment at my cousin Scott's home in Charlotte, NC |
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| A+mazing shower |
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